A decade ago I was about to move to Los Angeles, right now I can only think about how fucked up the experience was and how everything went wrong but I miss walking around the city somehow aimless besides my overoptimistic dreams. I don’t think I can act or survive in this world as an actor. I tried a few times, I was obliged to do it in high school and college. I willingly tried it for a brief time after college but it isn’t my call even though it looked like it. I admire acting, performing arts and scenic arts so much that this admiration alone conflated with what truly is the craft of the actor or what it means to be a performer. It is different wanting to live something than it is to appear to live something. I think the impulse of the performer is to pretend, it is perfecting an execution of a pre established set of actions and making it truthful or endearing while as a writer the impulse is wanting to live and sharing ideas and experiences in a broader manner.
I don’t think I could professionally act or make a living out of it not even if my life depended on it. Only thinking about the instability of the business, my limitations and attending expectations makes me severe anxious. Not that I think I’m going to have a stable life as a writer but as a writer it just feels right. Even if I don’t write anything substantial in my lifetime I don’t feel any distress about it. People can pressure me about publishing my stories, criticize me and I simply don’t care. I care about being unjustly overused and not paid, it saddens me accepting that this is how things work. As there are a lot of movies inspired in my life there are also a lot of music and music for me, similar things applies as acting, I played bass for a while in high school just for the experience of it and learned quickly about my limitations. I didn’t insist in it as much as I did in acting but I miss the band experience and a couple of friends that I made.
Even though I don’t have a proper ending to it, I temporarily overcome the urge of what I wanted to write as a first novel. The need of telling this story still has a therapeutical value and the ending of the novel is what I most need to work on. Giving it some distance will make me see it clearer as a whole and maybe I can properly select the complexity I want by better knowing what to add or take out and why. I can’t properly focus on this storylines issues without solving the problems I’m facing with my life, after all, my writings are just charity for the rich and I need a job to have a steady income. I’ll keep writing my journals and updating this website for at least more two and half years. If I manage to find a work and have a stable life I’ll keep working on it, at this moment it seems impossible to do it and this is going to take some time.
I have two ideas for novels that I’ve being working on for some years, one is a sort of “ode to romance and arts” and the other one is a “theological sci-fi”. The publications will depend on my life as whole. I can see myself retired and working on those novels. I truly wish I could overcome my health problems and one day have plenty of time to write those stories. It seems like I’ll be able to recover enough to find and keep this job that I need. Everything is so fragile about life that everything can go wrong at any moment but knowing what I want to do make it worthwhile. In the mean time I’ll keep structuring those stories and studying. The plan is find a job which guarantees a steady income so I can keep working on those stories and reading. Life is too short to keep up with the current thing, there are a bunch timeless books that I want to read, it’s incredible how much crap I tolerated when everything felt like it was immortal.