Imagine being fortunate enough to have the economical safety where you can simply rest knowing that you won’t die from homelessness or hunger. This fight-or-flight response of being constant harassed while also being sick is taking it’s toll. One thing is being able to write the necessary and other things is putting together a whole book. It is really difficult to immerse myself into it with this constant physical pain. This exhaustion with the brain and heart damage, it’s really hard to make decisions. The government was supposed to let the subsidiary propose run until the end of the year but they shortened it and made a relative small window compared to the original propose.
It isn’t the right time for me to write my book in the sense that my health condition is too debilitating but it is the only time if I consider that I don’t have the financial safety to properly be a professional writer. Arts truly are an elitist endeavour, a sort of privilege. I feel obliged to write something with quality and I don’t think I’ll be able to deliver it. Being sick causes indecisiveness, the pain is constant, on the days that the pain is only distracting, I try to be optimistic but one night without sleep due to pain is enough to lose one to two days of work. I can’t rely on luck because it only increases the uncertainty and gets in the way of making creative decisions.
I need assertiveness to produce a decent literary work. I evacuated some blood a few weeks ago, it was enough to make me weaker and even dizzier, I realized this while driving that I needed to see a doctor. I’m still concerned about the Zersetzung and medical doctors. Getting monetary aux until recover enough would be ideal, not getting worst than it is too. I can’t even make my mind due to confusion or exhaustion. I truly don’t know what to do, I wish I could just rest knowing that I’ll be able to survive and eventually write, but this isn’t the case. I can at least affirm that in this year, the book propose was postponed due to sickness.