Paestum, south of the Italic peninsula, close of where the Sabines lived and located in the same region as the part of my Hellenic heritage. With the temples of Hera, Athena and Poseidon. It felt like the perfect place for a wedding ceremony, as a Buccellati Penelope’s ring the right engagement ring. The symbolic meaning of the god and goddesses and their temples combined with the idea of finding a Penelope like woman as a wife made it something to aspire to. Hera as the goddess of marriage, women, family, the protector of women during childbirth with her vengeful nature in dealing with any one who offended her vows and values. Hera is the blesser and the perfect personification of marriage. Athena representing wisdom, civilization, arts and justice in warfare, is essential for a prosperous future for my offsprings. Poseidon as the protector of the explorer, a guide trough the journey of life and also an alliance between worlds. It felt like something as legendary as that could have happened but turned out I was intentionally set up and fooled. I thought that I would, even without a ring or a ceremony, find love and that would be enough to at least satisfy my need for affection. If I failed in achieving love, I thought I could at least get the consolation version of it, sex. I thought that if I had a prosperous economical life, I could become a bon vivant, experiencing a sort of bourgeoisie delusion of Pax Aeterna as in, If I succeed as a young artist in Los Angeles, I could easily book my favorite porn actresses for weekends of hedonistic Dionysia.

Those are fantasies of the resourceful. I used to obsessionally indulge myself with those fantasies because for a while I considered the frequency and amount of material obtained from my personal life and used in all sorts of media productions. I thought that eventually I would convert that dependency in profit and get my share as a favored and dependent person got. I compared my life to the life of those who are moralized and have rights and logically I thought that those states were archivable if I also become resourceful, but the years passed and I got nothing out of it. I look as I’m, a low status intellectual and aesthetic achievements are mostly obtained by the resourceful as proposed by the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. The scholar or the literary artist look is the antithesis of the physicality of the romantic passions. If I had chosen to sublimate my needs as in to sacrifice my intelectual aspirations in order for the pursuit of aesthetics and insist on romantic relationships as a low status male, I would be investing in the disarrangements of erotomania. The ideal position is the position of the resourceful and that would be satisfying the need with less amount of investments so that could develop the obsession into newer thoughts and maybe lead to a healthier position towards the need for physical care.

The erotomania conditioning brings all sorts of disarrangements. It is as if life itself had an affective purpose, making the erotic relations as an objective greater than anything else. The dilemmas related to the superficiality of the physiological needs and other utopic psychological considerations of love and belonging, it is a recipe for misery, chasing something highly dependable and unattainable, as if a moment of pleasure could be static enough to be carried and bring a lifetime of fulfillment. The need for sex is species preservation, it is a really strong and a basic need, that’s why being molested when I was a toddler caused me a sort of madness. As for love and belonging, I’m approaching middle age and romantic love is starting to seem foolish, a thing that could only be experienced by the intensity of hormones of young age, sustained by the memories of good times and put at test at times of struggle. My wedding should have already happened and now I’m starting to see the purposelessness of it because of lack of social cohesion as in being part of a group or nation, inheritance of wealth and having rights.

I’m deprograming myself from the erotomania conditioning. The physical pain of being sick is helping me and the older I get the silliest those illusions become, especially in the sense that as I get older, I can properly deconstruct and trace my desire to tangible elements. A version of those things should have naturally occurred a while ago. I can’t have a relationship without having the time to dedicate myself to it. Considering the overall aspects of my life, it is too late for me to start something like that. It is psychologically based on time and exposure. Since I don’t have resources that would make it possible or even health to properly have an optimistic view about reproduction and endure the possible challenges, I don’t think it is responsible for me having a child even if I had resources, since the money can’t restore organ damage, create a sense of being part of a social group or expose me to a loving partner that would make it worth doing it. The disarrangements of erotomania brings all sorts of badly founded romantic delusions and it messes the hierarchy of needs.

Mostly because of decades of programming. Only the transference of my own life experience professionally done by corporate effort to a sex object in many forms of media. As part of the erotomania conditioning, It is the erotomaniac premise of developing affection to others based on the perceived affection received as a way of the neurotic to circumvent the initial prohibition. Years of romantic conditioning trough transference of other media pieces as part of predictive programming. Same pattern of the initial abuse suffered as a toddler, creating a positive expectative or hopeful state to latter be denied or the re-neurotization. Some things were different in the pattern of the original abuse, like the underlying message of it that I conveniently ignored and what started as purposely induced magical thinking that I also conveniently and naively thought: “well, if they are using all those resources to set me up with all those scenarios, stimuli and media production something good will happen.”

Nothing good happened, only cruelty. With the poisoning, drugging, sexual abuse, home invasions, property damage, sabotages, assassinations, being shot near my feet and someone hiring a person to jump all night above my apartment for several months. I tried to understand why those things were happening to me, the best conclusion that I come up with is that cruelty doesn’t have a higher meaning or even a logical reason attached to it, some people avenge others who are unrelated to their suffering, they try to feel better about themselves inflicting pain in anyone they can find because they also don’t know the reasons why they got hurt or if they know who inflicted the pain and don’t have access to those people, they become damaged and corrupted so they transfer their frustration in acts of cowardice. Others hold socio-historical grudges and justify those acts based on what they perceived happened in the past and not a direct harm caused to themselves, rather a response to what they think occurred to a group that they think they belong to. I’m now conditioning myself based on this as the default of my experience and everything else just wishful thinking or what I like to refer to as “potential delusion”. I can’t fairly compete or justly associate with people that not only owe me money but even a career and are in a payroll for decades. My naivety thought that their dependence on me would eventually convert in something resourceful so I could be at a better and fairer position in life to accomplish my goals.

There was a potentiality to it but instead of getting help, like it is common within the favored and dependent people and corporations, I got the opposite of it, I have people relentlessly meddling and interfering negatively with my life. The favored succeeds because their investments and efforts are easily paid off, they have a safety net that protects or compensate for sabotages, they are given opportunities, resources and they are constantly rewarded which furthers their confidence. Economical safety is essential for self-actualization and is the opposite of the disfavored, which have their resources taken away and are constantly punished in double edge-sword situations hardly having a way to compensate for their losses. In my new conditioning, I’ll still work towards having the potentiality of the writer and the researcher but until this moment I’m not a fortunate enough person who can capitalize on my writings, even though my writings generate revenue for hundreds of thousands if not, millions of people worldwide and it is one of my passions and arguably one of my main vocations. This can change by Ideally getting the subsidiary monetary incentive or retire from the physical damage caused by the sepsis so I can dedicate myself full-time to the task of studying, researching and writing.

As for the corporate induced self-reference delusions of erotomania kind, it is just a Plato’s cave allegory and the sexual abuse suffered, part of recreating a Sabine’s legend of the founding of the western roman empire. In the past, those productions used to bring me hope, at a time that I could not understand the underlying message of it or the reasons why they were produced. As I deconstructed this delusion to the original abuse and traced the epistemological references that would give me familiarities to those productions, it become only a way to transfer my own sentimentalism to a sex object to latter repeat the pattern of the initial abuse. Now those productions bring me mostly negative associations because as long as the sexual desire exists, it will somehow be ambivalent but this sexual attachment doesn’t hurt as much as it does when I think about the injustice of the situation as a whole and how I’ll never experience my romantic fantasies or reproduce. Fortunately, as I further rationalize it, the less it hurts. I know how those productions are done in the sense of data collection and the most difficult part of it, why they are done. Since I also know that I’ll not have my share of profits and can’t find a lawyer capable of making me justice, I also know that it is too late for romantic relationships or even most relationships if I consider the discredited readjustments of my personal life, hierarchy of needs and my overall lack of faith in humanity. When I think about Hera, her temples and what they represent, it brings me serenity. It temporarily annuls the disarrangements of erotomania, those values and purposes differ too much from obsessional lust and even though they are also unachievable for me, at least they could bring me close to self-actualization. As time goes by, the potentiality diminishes to a point where things become unattainable and fulfillment is achievable by this realization.